Shut the hell up
by itsnnoah
Summary: Heather is determined to set Astrid up with someone. But she doesn't realise that the one meant to her friend is closer than she thinks. Modern au!
1. Chapter 1

Astrid was going to kill herself. She surely was. Right now. She could grab her fork and draw it to her neck. It wouldn't be difficult. She wouldn't miss anyone. The only thing that was in her head at the moment was how stupid her date was, how stupid his jokes were and how disturbing his duck tie was; really, who the hell wore a duck tie to a date? Not a sane person, that much was clear.

Snotlout kept on talking, unaware of Astrid's suicidal thoughts. "So, you see, I have this cousin—super silly, he doesn't even know how to hold a stick, very pathetic—and he's totally in love with his cat—"

That made Astrid snort—her best friend was totally in love with his cat, too. She didn't think that made him pathetic, but she didn't dare contradict Snotlout; he'd already laughed at two waiters for wearing ponytails and shouted at a waitress for telling him they were out of steak. Who knew, if Astrid told him her opinion, maybe he stabbed the fork in her neck for herself… thinking in retrospective, that wouldn't be so bad anyway.

The guy stared at her with furrowed eyebrows, as if trying to comprehend was she was snorting about. Then he shook his head and continued rambling, "Anyway, he's been such a pain in the ass, you know? He's been telling me that no girl wants to hook up with me because I'm an insensitive brat. And you know what? I told him yesterday, 'Well, then explain me why I have a date with a chick tomorrow?' and he thought I was bluffing! Can you believe that? He's so annoying I swear I could—"

"Hey, Snotlout," interrupted Astrid, who was starting to think if pretending to faint would be too exaggerated.

Snotlout seemed lost for a second, then smirked, "Yeah?"

"I have to go to the toilet." Before he could answer, she stood up and almost ran to the bathrooms. She was physically tired of hearing him talking about how horrible, how silly and how pathetic was his cousin. He hadn't asked much about her—what was her name, if she'd fallen from the heavens, because she was sure an angel, and if she'd like some wine; he'd just started bitching about his mysterious cousin.

She was going to kill Heather. When she had suggested Astrid to go on a blind date with one of her friends, Astrid had thought he would be handsome, cool like Heather. Her friend surrounded herself with people that didn't obsess about family members. She didn't surround herself with people like _Snotlout_.

Astrid sighed and looked at herself in the mirror. She'd chosen _the_ red dress, the one that showed her cleavage and made her look curvier, _the_ high heels that made her legs skinnier and longer. She'd spent an entire hour making her hair. And all for that creep Snotlout to keep looking at her boobs. Oh god, she wanted to gag. It had to be a joke. Was it April's Fools?

She picked up her phone from her purse and typed a quick message to Heather— _You better explain this to me later_ —and then called the one person she knew would be available for her. "Yeah? Astrid?" he shouted, music blaring in the background. Astrid took a second to compose herself, trying to imagine her best friend in a _party_.

"Hiccup?" she babbled. She thought about Snotlout staring at her with his mouth parted and his brows furrowed and shook her head, clearing her thoughts. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he repeated. "I'm just hanging… around. You okay?"

She thought about how much it would bother him to hear about her disastrous date when he was partying, so she bit her lower lip and mumbled, "Yes, yes. I just—nothing, you have fun for the two of us." And then she hung up.

Maybe she could escape through the window. It was little, but Astrid was sure she could make it if she tried hard enough. She was starting to take off her heels when her phone buzzed; it was Hiccup again. "Yeah?" she said.

"What's wrong?" Hiccup asked, and he seemed truly concerned. The music was no longer there, and Astrid felt kind of lame. She didn't want to ruin his night was because she was having a bad one.

"Nothing, I just needed to hear a familiar voice." Not the truth, but not a lie either. "The guy Heather set me up with, this Snotlout is—"

Hiccup started laughing before Astrid could even think of how she was going to end that sentence. It was not the giggles type of laugh or the that's-lame kind of laugh but the oh-my-god-you're-so-screwed type of laugh. He was laughing at her. For something Astrid didn't understand. Astrid coughed, and Hiccup's laugh changed to hard breathing. Then he was just in silence.

"What?" she asked.

"Snotlout Jorgenssen? You're dating Snotlout Jorgenssen?"

"Um," she stole a glance at the door before answering, "yes. That's him. What's the matter?"

Hiccup's laugh boomed through the phone again. "Oh gosh Astrid," he laughed. "He's my _cousin_."

"No way." Of course. There couldn't be another soul in the whole world who was as in love as Hiccup with his cat. He couldn't even lift a stick. He'd told Astrid about an 'annoying cousin who never shut up about him banging invisible girls' more than once. She should have connected the dots easily. "Hiccup. Shut the hell up."

"Why did Heather thought you two would make a good pair?"

Astrid whined. "I don't know. But he's been talking about his stupid cousin the whole night. I think I'm going to die of boredom."

"Hey, I'm not that boring," Hiccup complained.

"It's not that. Believe me." She told him about the things Snotlout had said, and Astrid could hear Hiccup laughing some more. "I don't know how to get him off me. He's been so… touchy, too. God, he's tried to hold my hand every time I looked the opposite direction."

"I've told you about him," he sighed, and Astrid could almost hear the mechanisms in his head spinning before he asked her the name of the restaurant. Astrid gave it to him, and Hiccup said cheerily, "I'll be there in five minutes, wait for me. Just told him your mom has fallen off her bed or something like that; he's stupid enough to believe it."

Astrid hurried to say, "Hiccup, you don't need to—"

"Are you enjoying yourself with him?"

"Of course not."

"Then wait for me." He said, and then the call ended.

* * *

Thanks for reading! I really hope you liked this, and that you'll be around for the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

When she came back to the table, Astrid was already counting the seconds for Hiccup to arrive and get her. She'd told him that she didn't need him, that Snotlout wasn't _that_ bad, but the truth was that she was itching to see her best friend. Astrid still couldn't believe that this pervert creep was his cousin. Maybe one of them was adopted.

Snotlout had ordered his dessert already. "I didn't know what you'd like. I thought we could share this, though," he smirked, and it took all of herself not to gag. She couldn't tell what Snotlout had ordered, but there was chocolate everywhere. Chocolate frosting, chocolate syrup, chocolate cookies.

"I don't like chocolate," she said, looking away from his plate.

"What a shame," he muttered, pretending to be appalled. Then he shook his head and actually took her hand. His was sweaty and too big. "You know, I would very much like to meet with you again. I have a pretty flat near here, you can come if you—"

"I can't," she blurted out, her blue eyes wide. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I—my mom called me. While I was on the bathroom."

"Oh yes?"

"Yes. She told me—she'd fallen. From her… bed." Oh god, there was no way he was going to believe her excuse. What the hell had Hiccup been thinking, telling her to say that? Not even the dumbest person on earth could think that it was true.

"She's on the floor right now?" Snotlout asked, puffing a big piece of his dessert into his mouth.

"I… don't know." Was it too late to stab herself with the fork?

"Oh dear," Snotlout muttered, finishing his dessert. "We have to do something."

"… _We_?"

"Yes!" he turned around, looking for a waiter. " _Garçon_! The bill, please!"

This was it. Did that ache in her arm meant that she was having a heart attack? It was too hot all of a sudden. Maybe she was going to faint. Or die. Maybe she was going to die. She hoped.

"There's no need of you coming. It's all right. She doesn't, um… like strangers. Sorry." She pretended to be really sad because her mother didn't like strangers coming to her house. Liek every normal person. Oh, she was starting to feel dizzy. Someone help her.

However, Snotlout stared at her with a raised brow, as if he was trying to solve a really difficult math problem. "You are a little green," he said. "You sure you are okay?"

"Of course!" This was it. _This was it_. She was going to kill Heather. She got up, so suddenly her chair made a really high sound as Astrid dragged it backward. "I gotta go, really. I'm sorry."

Snotlout got up as well, dropped some money on the table and walked until he was right beside Astrid. "I'll accompany you to the street," he said, then linked his arm with Astrid's.

"There's no need…" she muttered, but Snotlout was already walking her to the door.

Now he was going to see Hiccup, his stupid pathetic cousin. And that meant that they were going to have a fight, that was for sure. And Astrid would have to defend Hiccup, because he was her best friend, and that would lead to Snotlout hating her. Astrid didn't like him at all, but she also didn't like it when people loathed her. She should have done something terribly bad in her previous life to end up like this. Maybe she'd kill someone, that would explain her bad luck. Why couldn't Snotlout be like Brad Pitt? She could imagine him like that. Maybe it helped if instead of seeing Snotlout with that mop of black her and blue eyes she imagined him with short auburn hair and a lean figure and big muscles and... oh, she was going crazy.

"Shit," she muttered when she saw Hiccup, leaving her trance back. Snotlout was too focused on his monologue about why he was better than his cousin to actually _see_ his cousin. Hiccup glanced at her with a mocking grin, and Astrid muttered louder, " _Shit_ ," drawing Snotlout's attention towards her. "I think I left my phone at the restaurant," she complained, pouting. Then she looked at the boy with big blue eyes, pleading him. "Can you get it for me? Please?"

Snotlout nodded hysterically. "Of course! Wait for me here!" And then he was gone.

Astrid got off her shoes and ran towards Hiccup, who laughed. "How did you get him off you?"

"He's searching for my phone. Come on," she hurried, taking his hand and pulling him to get out of there before Snotlout came back. "Hiccup, I'm going to punch you if you don't start moving _right_ _now_."

"Okay, okay," he said, and laughed again. Astrid swore to herself that, if he laughed again, she was going to leave him with his cousin and go away all by herself. "How was it?" he asked, still smirking. "Did he order something with chocolate?"

"Oh _fucking_ yes." Astrid threw her arms up in protest. "It was all covered in chocolate. It was disgusting, Hiccup. I almost fainted when I saw it."

"I still don't get how you don't like chocolate," he said, rolling his eyes.

"It's awful!" This time it was her turn to laugh. " _I_ don't get how _you_ like it."

"You're so weird," he muttered, then noticed how Astrid was shivering and get off his coat to give it to her. "Here, I bet you're freezing with that dress."

"Thanks." She smiled, and when she had buttoned the coat up to her neck, Astrid linked her arm with Hiccup's. It felt so different to when Snotlout had done it. With Hiccup she felt comfortable, warm, while with Snotlout it had felt… disturbing. "What would I do without you?" She leaned her head towards his shoulder and rested it there, closing her eyes and letting him guide her.

"Who knows? Maybe you'd be dating my cousin."

Astrid pretended to vomit. "Shut the hell up."

* * *

So, seeing how much you liked chapter one—yay!—I decided to upload chapter two, since I had it written already. Your reviews really make me happy, and thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Astrid decided that she would spend the rest of her life in Hiccup's apartment. Luckily, he'd have some ice and a movie prepared to be seen. Heather had taken her to the restaurant, and Astrid didn't want to pick up a cab on her own. She didn't want to risk the _opportunity_ of meeting another creep like Snotlout. And Hiccup's apartment was amazing, it always had food to be eaten and a comfortable sofa to sleep.

She opened her eyes to see where were they and asked, "Where were you when I first asked?"

Hiccup didn't look at her, as concentrated as he was on scrutinizing the horizon. "You know, hanging around."

Astrid rolled her eyes. "I certainly _don't_ _know_ , Hiccup. Come on," she whispered, extending the vowels of the words. "Were you at a party?"

"Hmm, maybe."

"Oooh, there were any cute girls?"

"Not any as cute as you," he said, smirking.

Astrid poked his side, making him yelp. She giggled as she said, "You flatter me, sir. But really, where were you?"

Hiccup sighed. "You are gonna keep asking me 'till I say where I was, right?"

"You know me so well." Astrid said with a wink.

"I was at that old disco, the one in which you have to dress like if you were in the 80's. You know of it?"

" _Pandora_? I love it! Heather and I usually go there whenever we can. But…" she stared at him, his clothes; he was wearing jeans and a shirt. He wasn't even dressed to go to a normal disco. "Your clothes?"

"They let me in anyway," he explained.

"Oh."

"Yeah—"

"You should have invited me!" Astrid blurted out, pushing Hiccup aside. He rolled his eyes and she could even see a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "What is it with you smiling and laughing today? Did you drink?"

"Just a little," he confessed.

"I hate you so much," she muttered, just so Hiccup could crush her into his arms seconds later. Her cheek was pressed to tightly against his chest that she was starting to feel the same temperature as he, and she could hear his heartbeat, her own adjusting to it. "Let go," she screamed, but it sounded more like "Ughhh," and Hiccup hugged her even tighter. He laughed, and this time it was contagious.

When he saw that Astrid was laughing as well, he broke the hug to let her breathe. "I didn't invite you because my dad was the one who dragged me there," Hiccup confessed. Before Astrid could help herself, she was laughing harder, and had to bend over herself when her stomach started to hurt. "It's not that funny," he murmured, tugging at her braid.

"Oh my god, your dad?" It was not as if Astrid didn't like Hiccup's dad; she'd met him, and he was one of the kindest men she'd ever known. But she'd never imagined him going to a disco. A sudden thought formed inside her head, and she closed her eyes as she giggled, "What was he wearing?"

"I don't even know why I told you that," Hiccup whined.

"Because you love me."

He told her that his dad had been quite depressed, since Hiccup's mom was going to be out in Belgium for some congress about animals, or something like that, for a whole month. Stoick missed her so much, so he'd decided to drag his son to some disco. "He drank half his weight in vodka," Hiccup told Astrid. "And he made me drink with him. It was so embarrassing. Some girls were pointing at us and laughing for half an hour before they went away." He also said that Astrid's call had saved him from his father's drunkenness. Astrid asked him who was going to pick him up if Hiccup was with her, and he just shrugged. "I called Gobber."

When they reached Hiccup's apartment, the first thing Astrid did was ask for some clothes. She liked her red dress very much, but she hadn't planned on wearing it for the whole night. Hiccup waved a hand toward his room and said, "My house is your house."

She picked up an old t-shirt and a pair of sweat-pants. At first Astrid was tempted to put on a pair of his boxers—what? They were like shorts for her—but decided it would be rare even for her. And a little bit uncomfortable.

As soon as she was dressed in his clothes, Astrid went to the couch and lay down, and in no time she felt something purring at her feet. She smiled as she picked up Toothless, Hiccup's three legged cat, the love of his life, the sun of his mornings, the reason that kept him alive, and scratched him behind the ears. She shouted for Hiccup to hear, "Hey! I think Toothless loves me more that he loves you!"

"Not even in your wildest dreams," he said as he passed her a bowl full of popcorn and lay down beside her.

"You're just jealous."

"Shut the hell up, Astrid."

"What are we going to see?"

"Star Trek is on right now," he smirked.

" _Nooo_. The old one?"

His smirk turned even bigger. "The newer one."

She died a little bit on the inside when he turned the TV on.

Though she revived when Chris Pine's face appeared big and on high definition.

* * *

Thank you for reading! Your reviews are lovely! Who do you think will be Astrid's next date? *wink, wink*


	4. Chapter 4

When Astrid woke up, it was as if her pillow was made of rough fabric and buttons, something hard on her cheek. She groaned when she felt Toothless sleeping on her back, and when she opened her eyes, she almost screamed.

An open mouth was just beside her face. An open mouth with so many teeth and a tongue and the beginning of a beard that shouldn't be there. For one frightening moment she thought that she was in Snotlout's apartment and that it was his mouth open beside her face. Then she remembered that she had called Hiccup, and that they had been discussing which Star Trek actor was the best and throwing popcorn at each other when he said George Takei and she said Majel Barrett. Astrid didn't remember falling asleep, but obviously she had.

And now she had her head resting against Hiccup's chest, his hand on the small of her back, the cat beside it. She moaned again, thinking how they had ended up in that position. There were popcorn everywhere, and the blankets that were supposed to be covering them were on the floor. Her feet were freezing.

Then, as if someone had punched her, Astrid realized that she was sleeping with her head in her best friend's chest, and he was actually pulling her closer with his hand on her back. That wasn't how friends slept. That wasn't even how a _couple_ slept.

She'd meant to put her hand in the mattress and use it to lift her body up and get off the bed.

Instead she panicked and put her hand on Hiccup's face.

Whoops.

He cried out and sat up, hitting Astrid straight in the face with his chest, making her fall backwards, where Toothless was. To avoid falling on the cat, she tried to do a backflip like she'd seen in the Star Trek movie and—spoiler alert—failed. Toothless shrieked when Astrid fell on him. Hiccup reached out his hand to help her—or the cat—but was still to asleep to figure out what was happening and Astrid ended falling face-first to the floor.

"Ow," said Hiccup, grinning, leaning against the edge of the bed to see how Astrid was. "That must hurt."

"Shut the hell up," she muttered, turning around. Toothless was gaping at her from the bed too. Her back ached, and she closed her eyes, as if she would disappear in doing so.

Later, when she was on the bathroom, trying to wash some dignity into her face with the cold water, she took advantage of the situation and called Heather. To say hi or to insult her, she didn't know. "Watcha doing this afternoon?" Heather asked, voice sleepy. "I want to know all about the wild sex you had with your date."

"Actually—"

"No, no," hurried to say Heather. "That would be a _spoiler_. I want to know all about it when we meet. Honey, it's been a pleasure talking to you, but yesterday I met a girl that—wow. Gotta go. See you later!"

And that was all.

Hiccup had made breakfast. It was almost noon, but Astrid didn't complain when she found hot coffee and a doughnut waiting for her in the kitchen. She was still wearing Hiccup's clothes, and every time she thought about changing into the dress she died a little; the street would be full of people when she left, and the least thing she wanted right now was being the centre of attention.

"Are you going to go to more blind dates?" Hiccup asked as he took a bite of his doughnut. His bright green eyes shone with mischief.

"Hell _no_. I don't even know why I went to this one. And it was your cousin!" She gaged. "Hey, is he adopted?"

"Um, not that I know of."

She pretended to think. "Are _you_?"

"… No?"

Astrid pointed at him with her spoon and smiled. "You doubted it!"

Hiccup rolled his eyes and threw bits of doughnut at Astrid. "Hey! Stop!" she shouted, cowering behind the table. "It's okay to question it, your dad is a redhead, you are not…"

"My mom is a brunette!" he argued.

"If you want to believe that…" She crawled to the living room and caught a cushion to throw it at him. Astrid didn't look where it landed, but from Hiccup's yelp she could tell it was not a good place.

When she looked at him, she could see that the cushion had knocked his cup of coffee and it had fallen on his lap. Hot coffee and a lap, it was not the bests of plans. Astrid couldn't help it when a laugh escaped her lips, and Hiccup, amongst shouting and trying to cool down the coffee, stared at her with his green eyes wanting murder.

"Sorry," she gushed, but it didn't stop Hiccup from throwing the cushion back at her, knocking _her_ over. That was the second time she'd fallen off something. First a bed, then a sofa… what would be next? Maybe she would fall over _someone_. That would be just perfect.

While she thought about falling off and falling over, Hiccup had gone to his room and changed to more formal clothes. When Astrid saw him, she stopped scratching Toothless and whistled. "Wow, where are you going so handsome?"

"To _work_. It's Monday, you know. Some of us have to work."

"Oh shit," she moaned, closing her eyes. She could always stab herself with a fork. It wasn't too late, was it? "Do you really have to leave?"

Hiccup walked to her and ruffled her hair. The hairstyle she'd done the night before wasn't anything more than a few strands of hair intertwined with each other, but she still recoiled. Hiccup said, "You can stay her as much as you like, but you'll have to go home someday. Bye, Astrid. Don't make a mess."

"Don't make a mess," she repeated when he had closed the door, making a face.

When the door closed, she felt loneliner than she'd thought she would feel.

* * *

Well! I know this chapter is short, but I wanted you to know how Hiccup and Astrid's relationship works. Anyway! In the next one you'll find out who is her next date... and _something_ else. What do you think it will be? Surprise, surprise!

Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it! Your reviews, as always, are lovely, they made me the happier person ever, feel free to drop as much as you like! :)


	5. Chapter 5

Astrid didn't honestly know what to do with her life. While she was waiting for another coffee and for Heather to come, she was looking for jobs on the newspaper. There was nothing she liked, and the cool jobs were all occupied. There was a woman looking for a nanny near her attic, a man looking for someone to take his dogs for a walk every morning. There were cafés looking for waiters, and discos, too. But she didn't want to wear high heels and shorts and a crop top every night. Being surrounded by creeps like Snotlout looking at her cleavage every night? No thanks.

But Astrid knew that she had to choose something, and soon. She couldn't live with her parents' money forever, not that she wanted to. She was almost twenty-four. It was depressing enough that they were still bringing food to her every Sunday because they feared she wasn't eating.

A sudden realization came to her: when had Hiccup and she exchanged roles? A few years ago he was the one failing at his exams while she was the perfect student. He couldn't find a job, while she was being a waitress at a Starbucks. His parents used to come to his house everyday just to see if he was _alive_ , while Astrid's didn't even call her in the weekends. Now Hiccup had a job, a thousand grades, his parents just called sometimes if they even remembered to, and his life was almost perfect. Astrid didn't have anything of those things, and her grade didn't help her situation. What had she been thinking, deciding to study sports? She even had to go on blind dates to get some. When had her life become so shitty?

She rumpled the newspaper and rested her forehead on the table. "Fuck you," she muttered just when a waiter arrived with her coffee. Astrid didn't dare to see what was is reaction, but she was very sure that when he muttered, "There's no need to be so rude," it was directed at her.

"What's up?" asked someone, and Astrid couldn't decide if she wanted to punch Heather or hug her from drawing her out of her misery. She sat up in the chair beside Astrid's and patted her on the back. "What's wrong? Did he ask you out again?"

"Yes, but Hiccup came into my rescue."

She could've sworn she heard Heather roll her eyes. "That _boy_. Snotlout is not good with words but oh boy is he good with his hands."

"I didn't stick enough to find out."

"So you didn't like him?"

Astrid looked up at Heather with a furrowed brow. "Fucking no." She told Heather all about the date; from the part in which he tried to hold her hand several times to the part where he ordered a chocolate monster. Heather laughed out loud when she told her that he'd believed her when she said her mother had fallen off her bed. "And then he went to search for my phone, and Hiccup took me to his apartment."

"You _slept_ with him?"

"He was not that drunk." Astrid almost laughed at the thought of that. "He's my best friend, we just watched some movies and then went to sleep."

"Oh god Astrid," Heather muttered, picking up Astrid's coffee and taking a sip. "You exchanged a night of sex for Star Wars?"

"Um," she murmured, seeing her point, "it was Star Trek, actually."

"This is so lame," Heather lamented, drinking more coffee. "This should be rum. Or vodka. Hmm, you should come with me. I'm going to the party of a friend of mine."

"Do you want to set me up with someone else?" Astrid moaned.

"Yes." Heather was beaming, her green eyes shining more than usual.

Astrid sorted out her options: spend the day self-loathing herself because she had no job, no money and no dignity or go to a party and talk to her—maybe—future husband? Maybe the one who organized this party was better than Snotlout. Maybe he was handsome and cool and didn't touch her when she didn't want to be touched. Maybe he had more brains. Please, let him have more brains. It wasn't difficult, really.

"When is the party?" she asked, thinking that she was going to regret it.

"Um, in a few hours." Astrid stared at her with wide eyes, and Heather laughed. "Don't worry, my friend. I've got some clothes to you in my magic bag, you don't even have to choose. It's gonna be great! You'll love this guy. He has lovely blond hair like you and is very funny, though sometimes he can be a bit… eccentric. But he's perfect for you," she concluded.

"He doesn't sound perfect," Astrid muttered, making a face.

Heather rolled her eyes and said, "No one is perfect for you. So you'll have to adjust. Sorry, real life and all that shit. Astrid," she urged when she saw the horror face Astrid was making, holding her hands, "he's not as bad as Snotlout, I promise. You'll love him. Also, he's got a sister. You'll have a sister-in-law!"

Astrid moaned. The idea didn't seem so perfect after all, now that she'd heard all of that. Heather noticed this, so she grinned and put a strand of hair behind her ear and whispered, "He's more handsome and talks less about his family, so sex with him will be better."

Astrid threw her arms in the air as Heather laughed, drawing the attention of other customers toward them both. Astrid felt herself smiling, as much as she tried to avoid it. "Do you only think about sex?"

"I'm twenty-four, what did you expect?" the girl answered, drinking what coffee was left on the cup. "I gotta go. Boss will kill me if I don't arrive at time—hey, aren't you looking for a job? You can try here with me."

Astrid rolled her eyes. "As a _bartender_?"

"Yeah. It's not as bad as waitress, because you don't have to go and ask what people want to drink or any of that shit. They come and ask for it, you give it and they usually left after that. Plus, there are a lot of heartbroken cute guys who come to drown their feelings in alcohol. You can take advantage of that," she added with a wink, and Astrid rolled her eyes again.

"I think I'll keep searching, but thanks."

"No prob." She got up and blew a kiss toward Astrid. "Bye, girl. Oh," she said, then threw her bag to Astrid. "There is everything you need. I'll pick you up."

And then she was gone.

Astrid sighed and looked at the crumpled newspaper before her. She unfolded it and stared at the jobs section again, chewing at her lips and trying to decide which one was the best of them. _Well_. Every single one was terrible, so maybe she was looking for the least worse. Taking dogs for a walk didn't seem so bad after all, and maybe the kids she would have to babysit wouldn't be too noisy. Or maybe the dog was a big Rottweiler and the kids were noisy and antsy and horrible.

The same waiter that she'd told 'fuck you' accidentally came back to take the cup of coffee Heather had emptied. He said, "Do you want anything else? A hot chocolate, maybe—?"

"Ugh, no thanks," she droned. They guy lifted a brow and stared at her, waiting for some kind of explanation, and Astrid realized that she'd been the rudest person in earth. Two times. She sighed again. "Sorry," she apologized.

The waiter smiled and sat in the chair Heather had just left. "Having a bad day?"

"A bad year, actually," she said. And then, just because this guy was an stranger—and, honestly, he'd been the one to take the sit, he'd been looking for this—she recited, "You see, yesterday I had a really terrible date with my best friend's cousin, and I don't have a job and I don't have any money and my friend, who is obsessed with me having sex for some reason I don't even want to know, wants to set me up with a guy with 'lovely blond hair and who is a little bit eccentric', but hey, he's gonna be _fucking_ _great_ at banging, so I suppose it's okay, I don't know. I haven't had a lot of sex lately, you know? God, it's been so long since a guy kissed me. It's like I'm a virgin again. Can it happen? Can you become a virgin if you haven't had sex for a long time? _Anyway_. And, oh, I think soon I'm gonna be picking up dog's shit or baby's shit or I don't know so—yeah, I'm pretty bad, actually."

When she looked at the guy again, he had his mouth wide open and was looking at her as if she was crazy; maybe she was, but when she realized that she'd just told a completely stranger about her sex life, her eyes went wide with realization and she clasped a hand to her mouth to keep herself from saying anything else. She wanted earth to devour her. Why did these things have to happen to her? What had she done to deserve it? She was a good person!

"I'm so sorry," she muttered, hand still clasped to her mouth. She started to gather up her things, ready to go. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I won't come here anymore, I promise." How could she, after this? Astrid couldn't even look at the waiter in the eyes now.

But then he did the unexpected: he laughed. It was not like Hiccup's laugh, sweet and light or like Snotlout's, gross and weird, but soft and joyful, and Astrid found herself smiling, even though she was still dying of embarrassment.

He said, "It's okay, there would be no need of you doing that." Astrid noticed that he had a Scottish accent, just like Hiccup's parents. "You know, I found it very weird that before you told me to fuck myself and now you're talking about such personal things."

"Oh god," she muttered, finding her cheeks very hot. "It wasn't directed at _you_. I was talking to the… newspaper."

Could she embarrass herself more?

She thought that the answer wasn't good enough, so she added, "I mean, look at you. Who would tell you that intentionally?"

Yes she could. Oh _fucking_ yes, she could.

"I better go," she hurried to say, looking for some money on Heather's bag. Then she realized that it was _Heather's_ bag, and that it would be full of god knew why. But it was too late, because she'd already opened it, and… and there, just there, where anyone could see, there was a thong. A bright pink thong. Astrid closed the bag as fast as she could, but she was sure the waiter had seen it already. "Oh my god," she muttered, and rested her head on the table again with a loud _thump_. She didn't care about the waiter anymore. What else could he see that embarrassed her anymore?

To her surprise, he laughed again and caught a strand of her hair between his fingers. Then he put it behind her ear and smiled. She said, "This normally doesn't happen to me."

"I'm sure of that," he said with a soft voice. Astrid turned her head to look and him and realized that he was smiling too. He caught the coffee pot he'd brought with him and poured some into her cup. "This counts on me. To make your day a little better. And, hey," he teased, "I expect to see tomorrow. Now I want to know if this blond guy is going to have sex with you or not."

She scoffed, "Yeah, I don't make any promises."

"See you…"

"Astrid," she amended.

"See you, Astrid."

She felt herself smiling the whole way home.

* * *

So... this is it! I hope you liked it, and please write a review telling me what you thought about the chapter, or the whole story, or your theories! I really love reading them. Oh, can you guess who's the handsome waiter? If I were Astrid, I would have died right there and then! What do you think?


	6. Chapter 6

I read all your reviews, and I wanted you to know, this _is_ a Hiccstrid story! Like it says in the summary, the fanfic is about Heather setting Astrid up with a bunch of guys, so I have to make do with the ones in the films! But don't worry, son you'll have your dose of Hiccstrid.

I'm going to take advantaje of this note and say the thing I usually write at the end. I really, really loved your reviews, there were so many on the last chapter! You all are so lovely, you made me smile a lot. I hope you like this one as much as the last one—or even more! Feel free to drop as much reviews as you want, thank you for reading!

* * *

At the end Astrid decided that walking dogs would be the best job. Well, more or less. First she'd gone to talk to the woman who needed a babysitter, and she'd left with the shocking realization that she didn't like children. At all. She'd never given it much of a thought—everyone liked chubby babies with big eyes and a permanent smile—not her. She couldn't stand the baby grabbing her fingers and putting them on his mouth every time he had the opportunity. She'd always wondered what it would be to have kids. Not anymore. She didn't want any. Dogs were not that bad, if you thought about it. She thought.

The dog was not a Rottweiler. In fact, Astrid had to take care of _two_ huskies. It was not so bad after all, since they'd been trained by their owner, a man called Spitelout—he seemed awfully familiar, but he acted as if she wasn't familiar, so did she. The dogs, Rex and Rosie, seemed to like her, and even though they also liked to bite her fingers and suck on them, they were better than babies.

The party was still a few hours away, so Astrid asked Spitelout if she could take the dogs for a walk, for them to accustom to her. He wasn't very sure, as he had already taken them out this morning, but finally he accepted. Spitelout gave her a class in whistling, and in less than an hour she was whistling like a pro and Rex and Rosie came in less than a second.

So now she was sat on a bench while the dogs ran as they pleased and Astrid tried to whistle again; it had seemed super easy with Spitelout by her side, but now that she was alone it seemed like the most difficult thing to do. She just blew air and spat saliva. It was pretty depressing. When she was trying to whistle once more someone put his hands on her shoulder, and Astrid shouted before realising it was only Hiccup. Rex and Rosie came running and barking nonetheless. Even though any normal person would have screamed at the sight of two big huskies, Hiccup just waved at them, and the dogs calmed down and ran away again... which was kind of strange, if you thought about it.

Astrid eyed him suspiciously, but he just sat beside her and said, "Hi. Watcha doing here?"

"Oh, you know," she said, beaming. She pointed at the dogs, playing with each other. "I'm working, the usual."

Hiccup grinned and punched her in the arm. "Wow, Hofferson. You actually got a job? Well done, Superman."

"Super _woman_ , in that case," she amended, punching him back. "And please, I'm a Hofferson. Of course I got a job." She rolled her eyes and started fidgeting with the hem of her shorts. Hiccup moved his body, and just then Astrid noticed that now their thighs were extremely close, almost touching, just inches apart. For a second, she wanted to move closer. Or _him_ to move closer. She just wanted their legs to _touch_. When she realized this—and at the same moment remembered that morning, where she'd awoken with him by her side—she blushed a deep shade of red.

And of course, Hiccup noticed. "What?" he asked, eyeing her curiously.

"Nothing," Astrid blurted out, trying to figure out why the fuck was she blushing. She'd slept beside him so many times, bodies touching, _thighs_ touching, and she'd never felt her cheeks grow hot because of that. They'd never woken up like that, so close, but whatever. Astrid came to the conclusion that she wanted someone to touch her, and Hiccup was right there and—no, _no_ , that sounded just _wrong_.

He kept staring at her, waiting for an answer, so Astrid said the first thing that came into her mind. "Heather and I are going to a party tonight."

"Oh," Hiccup muttered, taken aback, and Astrid knew that he'd been hoping for something juicier. _Good one_ , she thought to herself. "Is she going to set you up again?"

"Um," she mumbled. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to tell him that. "Yeah?"

"Oh god, you don't learn." He laughed, so Astrid punched him again. "What was that for?" he screamed mid-laugh.

"For your stupidity." She rolled her eyes and looked at the dogs, both of them barking at each other while they jumped around.

Astrid wished she was a dog. No responsibilities, no rules, no boyfriends. She wouldn't to worry about getting a job or money or someone to touch her, since she could do whatever she wanted to do, whenever she wanted to. It would be the best life ever.

She looked back at Hiccup and bit her lower lip, trying to formulate the question right. "Do you think it's a good idea? Heather setting me up?"

He hesitated. "Dunno. As long as she doesn't set you up with any of my cousins again—"

This time she punched him in the thigh. "Hey!" he complained.

"Be serious."

"I think," he said, throwing a stick from the floor for the dogs to look for, "that you are a great girl, even though you doubt it sometimes. These guys? You know the people Heather surrounds herself with, all alcoholics and partygoers and… you know, people like Snotlout. You deserve better than that."

Now she was _depressed_.

Then Hiccup said, "But if you like meeting them, go ahead. I'm sure there has to be someone just for you. Maybe this guy is going to be your future husband, who knows? You should give it a try. As long as you're happy, I'm happy, so…"

Astrid laughed, and before she could think about it, she was giving Hiccup the biggest of hugs, her face buried in the crook of his neck. Maybe it wasn't what she needed to hear _exactly_ , but it had given her enough confidence to be sure about it. She was going to like the guy Heather had for her. And she was going to kiss him _dead_.

"By the way," Hiccup said, his hands now in her back. "Whose are these dogs?"

"I told you I'm working as—"

"Yeah, yeah," Hiccup mused. "But what's the name of their owner?"

Astrid broke the hug and wrinkled her nose. "Spitelout, why?"

"Oh," muttered Hiccup again, scratching the back of his neck, thinking about something. Finally he shook his head and said, "They resulted familiar, but no, I don't know of any Spitelout."

Astrid could tell he was lying about something, but she was too happy to complain.

They were silent for a moment, but it was not an awkward silence, but a warm one. Astrid eyed the dogs, the people walking the streets, laughing, talking, chattering with each other. She realized that she felt joyful, sitting there with her best friend, watching everything as time passed. She wished she could stay there until she died. She didn't want to be a dog at all. She liked to be a human, a person with feelings and fiends and lovers, but above it all she liked to be her because she had Hiccup.

But then Hiccup smirked and said, "You know what this deserves?" Astrid stared at him for a moment until he couldn't help it anymore and said, "Another Star Trek marathon."  
"Oh good god Hiccup," Astrid groaned, " _Shut the hell up_."


	7. Chapter 7

Astrid wasn't really surprised when she saw what Heather had stuffed into the bag. Her friend was very extravagant, so it was no surprise that she'd chosen a _bright blue dress_ and _silver_ high heels for Astrid to wear to the party. Astrid didn't know if the party was formal or not, but she hoped it was. No one wore a dress and high heels to an informal party.

She took half an hour to prepare herself mentally to go. Hiccup's words had made her more confident, but she still was nervous. The date with Snotlout had been an impromptu date, she hadn't even known she was going to a date in the first place. Heather had just said, "Let's go dinner," but when they arrived at the restaurant, Astrid's date was already there, and Heather was already running away.

Now she knew she was being set up, which made things more difficult. She would have to act more like a normal person and less than a crazy chick who talks about her sex life with stranger waiters. It would be complicated, but Astrid was sure she was ready. She could do it. Then again, it couldn't be so difficult, could it?

She'd had boyfriends before, and not all of them had seen her weird confessor self.

"Piece of cake," she muttered to her reflection in the mirror. The dress actually suited her, and the shade she'd put in her eyes had turned out to be really pretty. The high heels were a little bit uncomfortable, but Astrid didn't plan to stand up the whole night. When she painted her lips a bright red, she was dazzlingly beautiful.

A sudden realization came to her when the doorbell rang; she wanted to do this. She was a bit frightened, yes, but she wanted to meet the guy, see if he had the pretty blond hair Heather had promised her, if his sister would truly be a good sister-in-law. Astrid wanted to drink and get drunk and kiss someone and even sleep with someone. She remembered the handsome waiter, and she wished she had asked for his name, maybe even his number. She wanted to tell him about what would happen tonight, and with a smile she realized that she also wanted to talk to him about something else—not her love life or her sex life, but about herself.

This was going to be a good night. A perfect night. She was going to fall in love with this blond, and she was going to prove Hiccup that she had found the love of her life indeed.

This was going to be the night that would change anything.

When Astrid opened the door, she was completely ready.

From outside, the house at least was incredible. There was a really huge garden—some people were lying on the grass—and a swimming pool—she wanted to hit Heather for not telling her to bring a swimsuit—but the thing that impressed Astrid the most was that there was a swing on the porch. It was the kind of swing you sat on with a book in rainy days to read while the rain poured down outside. Maybe the guy liked to read. Oh, how Astrid would love having a reading buddy. She was exhausted of talking to Hiccup about her books.

But this was not the time to be thinking about Hiccup.

"Are you ready to have SEX?" shouted Heather, and Astrid _winced_. Some guys chilling on the swimming pool turned to stare at them, and Astrid wanted earth to swallow her. But then one hottie winked at her—and he was blond! Maybe this was the famous blond. Maybe this— "Ugh," muttered Heather, grabbing Astrid by the arm and dragging her inside the house. "He's not outside."

"Who's he, by the way?"

"Oh?" Heather asked, eyeing Astrid with curiosity. She had black eyeliner and black eye shadow and black clothes, so she looked a little bit like a gothic, but she was gorgeous nonetheless. Beside her, Astrid looked like a lollipop. "He's inside, I guess."

 _Okay_ , thought Astrid, kind of nervous again. She felt like a rollercoaster, her emotions turning up and down and down and up. First she wasn't sure if she should come, then she felt super sure, and now she wanted to go home again. Maybe this guy was a jerk like Snotlout; Hiccup had said it himself, all of Heather's friends were weird in their own way. What if he wanted to take her hand nonstop? What if he didn't and she wanted him to? What if he didn't like her? What if he _did_?

Astrid was sure she was going to puke when Heather liked her arms with Astrid's and started walking to the door. She clicked her tongue and said, "You're too tense. Relax a little, girl."

"I can't," sputtered Astrid, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"It's okay, you've been to parties before. And Tuffnut is lovely."

Astrid stopped, and Heather almost tripped. "Who the hell is Tuffnut?" she gasped.

"Um, the lovely blond guy I—"

"Oh my god you've got to be kidding me." She turned around and stared at the guys in the swimming pool, and wondered if it was too late to jump into the water. "Is this the Tuffnut that went to high school with us?"

Heather looked at the guys in the swimming pool too. "Um…"

" _Heather_."

"He has changed a lot, you know. He's more handsome, and he's more muscular, and he's—"

"Heather!"

"He liked you so much when we were on high school!" she amended, throwing her arms on the air. Astrid was about to say something when Heather clasped a hand to her mouth. "Don't say anything. Just… come inside and see him. Maybe you like him too now that he's older. I swear, he's like fine wine. The older, the better."

Now Astrid was really freaking out.

She'd been friends with Tuffnut for five years before he started falling for her in high school. They weren't _besties_ , but they got along well enough. Until one day, he confessed how in love he was, how much Astrid meant to him, how much he hoped she felt the same. Astrid, obviously, didn't, and when she told him so, he went berserk. He started screaming about Hiccup and how unfair it was that Astrid liked him better. And finally he shouted, "I can't believe you just _friendzoned_ me!"

After that, Astrid stopped passing time with him and instead started to pass more time with Hiccup. Tuffnut didn't speak to her anymore, and Astrid didn't even bother to fix things with a guy that believed in the _friendzone_. What a _guy_.

And now… now she was going to be set up with _him_? Fate did really hate her.

"Astrid?" Heather asked, biting her lower lip.

Astrid waved her hand in the air. "Stop doing that. You're gonna ruin your lipstick."

Heather smiled. "So you're not mad?"

"I don't know yet. But you know what? I need a drink."

"Oh," Heather nudged her. "That, I can provide."

Astrid though she could be drunk.

It had been a while since she last drank like this, so she was not entirely sure. She'd lost Heather some time before—an hour ago? a few minutes? She didn't remember—but the bottle of gin— _gin_ , among of all things; she felt the luckiest girl ever—had stayed with her. The bottle was almost empty, but Astrid wasn't sure if she'd shared it or emptied it all by herself. God, she hated forgetting things like this. It was so annoying.

She hadn't seen Tuffnut the whole night, and she was sure that it was past midnight. Maybe two o'clock. Maybe three. Astrid had been playing beerpong with the guys from the swimming pool and then truth or dare with other friendly fellas who, by the way, had seen her ass. She'd been dared to lift her dress, and she'd done it gladly.

The truth was, she was having a great time. She'd met some great people and told some more about her sex life—whoops—but she'd also danced and sang and it was all amazing. She hadn't thought about Hiccup's thigh touching hers the whole night, which was good, because it had been so weird—he was her best friend, not a prostitute, god—but she'd thought a lot about the handsome waiter and how he frowned at her and then laughed at her and then put a strand of her hair behind her ear. He was so lovely, she really wished she'd asked for his number.

She was sat on the couch, finishing her bottle of gin—one minute of silence for it—when someone sat beside her. At first she didn't recognise him, because, honestly, her gaze was a little bit blurred. But then she took a second glance and—

 _Great fucking god._ Heather was right.

If Astrid had known how fucking handsome he would turn, she wouldn't have _friendzoned_ him. No one would have. "Oh my god," she mumbled, touching one of his dreadlocks. "It is really you."

Tuffnut turned to look at her, and Astrid gasped. His blue eyes. Oh, she was having a heart attack. "Astrid?" he asked, his eyes as big as plates.

" _Fuck_!" she screamed. "You remember me."

"Yeah, of course."

She thought about something wise, interesting to say, but the only thing that came to her mind was, "I really wanna sleep with you."

Tuffnut laughed and touched her face. "I wish you'd said that years before, because—"

"Fast!" she shouted, pointing at a random guy she didn't know. "That's my ex! Kiss me to make him jealous!"

"Wait—" But he had no time to say what he wanted to say, because Astrid was already sat in his lap, her lips over his. As reluctant as he'd seemed to kiss her, oh boy was he kissing her right now. His lips were the most glorious thing she'd ever tasted. In fact, Astrid tasted vodka or gin or something with alcohol, and maybe tobacco, she didn't know.

One of his hands flew to her waist, and as much as she hated to admit it, Astrid moaned into his mouth. Then all of a sudden, Tuffnut ended the kiss and placed her on the couch again. Astrid wanted to ask what was wrong—she'd been told she was a great kisser—but before she could, Tuffnut sighed and announced, "Look, As," he rubbed the back of his neck, and Astrid knew she was about to her something she was not going to like. "I know I was an asshole in school for telling you you'd _friendzoned_ me, but I realized… um…"

She stared dumbfounded at him when he said, "I'm gay."

"Oh," Astrid mumbled, still looking at him. Then, she said, louder, "OH." She closed her mouth and opened it again. "RIGHT. THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE." She didn't know how that made a lot of sense, but it seemed the right thing to do. It was the thigh everyone said when someone told them they were gay.

"I want more gin," she said at last, and Tuffnut laughed again. "But you're so handsome," she pouted. "Bye, handsome."

 _What the fuck am I saying?_ She thought to herself as she found a bottle of vodka and poured some into a plastic glass. She'd heard that mixing different types of alcohol was bad, but whatever. She stole a glance at Tuffnut and found him kissing a guy. _Good for him_ , she though. _Bad for me_.

She really wanted to sleep with him. But first Astrid wanted to do something even more.

She walked out of the house to the swimming pool, where the guys were again. They were very muscular, and she wanted to sleep with them, too, but now she wasn't really in the mood. When she reached them, they cheered, "A-woman, A-woman, A-woman!" Astrid didn't know why, but she smiled nonetheless.

And then she jumped into the swimming pool.

It was refreshing, to say the least. Astrid thought that they guys had seen her ass again—they were laughing when she got out of the water, and she could've sworn that the water had lifted her dress just enough. They'd already seen it, so she decided to ignore them and walked to the porch of the door, where she sat.

Thinking in retrospective, it hadn't been such a good idea: she was now soaked up, except for her purse—she wasn't foolish enough to jump with it—and the night was chilly, and she was shivering like a pro. She could say she was sick, and anyone would believe her—even she doubted she wasn't.

She decided to call Hiccup.

It was a bad idea.

It took Astrid a few tries until he picked up the phone. He was mad, she could tell it just by the grunt she heard when he finally picked up the phone. A disturbing grunt that she hadn't heard in ages; Hiccup wasn't an angry person, _she_ was. And hearing him angry was like hearing her singing a song—she'd sung many tonight, but he didn't have to know that. Obviously.

"Astrid, it's four a.m."

"Yeah," she said, hugging her legs, trying to keep the cold at bay. "But I just jumped into the swimming pool and Tuffnut is gay and I'm freezing and I wanted to tell you about it."

" _Astrid_ ," he gasped, maybe horrified? Astrid couldn't place that tone. She hard whispers, and she didn't know if they were directed at her or at other person… but she couldn't decipher them, so she decided that they were spoken to another person. Was Hiccup with someone? At four a.m.?

"Who's with you?" she asked, shutting him up.

"Huh? No one, why?"

"I thought I heard you—"

"You heard wrong," he snapped, but Astrid heard someone talk, and then Hiccup muttering, so low she almost didn't hear him, "Let me handle this, she's always like this." Astrid opened her mouth to ask, to protest, to say something, but he was faster, "Listen to me, where are you?"

"Don't know," she snapped back, sounding as mad as he.

She was definitely drunk, but she didn't like how he'd described her. 'She's always like this.' What? It'd been ages since she last drank. _Ages_. What the hell was he saying? Maybe he was talking about the situation. To him having to pick her up from a disastrous date, which was exaggerated, too. He'd only saved her from one or two horrible dates, including the one with Snotlout, so he was being a jerk no matter the case.

"You don't have to come, you know," she said, trying to sound mad. But her brain hated her, and she started to think about her disastrous life. How she didn't have a decent job, a decent house or a decent payment. How she still lived from her parent's money. How _depressing_ she was. And then she wondered what could happen if she stayed at the party.

Maybe a guy approached her. Maybe he wanted to have sex. But Astrid didn't really want to sleep with someone she'd just met, not at this stupid party. So she mumbled, "Do you remember where Tuffnut's house is?"

She heard Hiccup sigh again, and wanted to punch him; but she wasn't going to call a taxi—not alone—so Hiccup was her best option, as much as she hated him right now. He said, "Of course I know where it is."

Astrid didn't say anything else—she didn't plan to. She feared she could snap at him again, and then he wouldn't come and pick her up. But a minute passed, and he sighed again. "I'll be there in five." A pause, and then, "I knew this wouldn't end up well."

This time it was said with all the hatred in the world, "Hiccup, shut the hell up."

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So! The plot thickens! This was so long, and it ends up with Astrid hating Hiccup, but she's drunk, so... what do you think she'll say to him when he comes? Surprise surprise! Did you expect this? Did you like it? Tell me in a review! Also, I wanted to say that, as always, your reviews are amazing, but there was this one I really liked who was written by TimPlazasta that said, "You think the reviews you've got are lovely? I bet you've never read your story!" It was really cute! It made me smile so much, thank you all!


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